Sadness, and the Moving On

So, as many of you know, we lost Phat very unexpectedly last weekend. He was sick for 3 days in 12 years, and two of those days happened to be last week. Honestly, we thought he might have a stomach bug, and just need a little vitamin-and-fluids love. But, we went from "hey, maybe we should take him to the vet so he doesn't get dehydrated," to emergency surgery, to unexpected, unimaginably, all-consuming cancer, to putting him down in about 4 hours on Friday night. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

So, I'm back to washing my hair, I've mostly stopped crying at seemingly random things, and I'm trying to back slowly away from all the pastry and alcohol I've been numbing with this week. It feels like he's just away, and with my terrible memory, I'm afraid that I'll lose a clear picture of who he was. And, since my old laptop died, I have almost no photographs of him. So, I've printed my two remaining favorites, and I'm trying to write down every little thing I can remember about what made him different, special, and so incredibly loved.

Shit, now I'm crying at work. Again.

So, here's what I've learned this week:

1. I will never again superstitiously believe that horrible disease comes from a negative emotional space. If cancer could take Phat, it must come from out of NOWHERE. He was pure love and joy. Unless you were another cat who wanted to be near me or his food. Then he was Shiva, God of Death.

2. My favorite photo of Phat - I was snapping shots of all the cats to put up here one day. Bitty doing her thing, Grumpy passed out from the sheer exhaustion of being such a pain in the ass, Playful being a moron... and through it all, I was tripping over Phat. Because he always had to be RightThereWithMeAllTheTime. Unless he was with Dr. Boy. Such a good kitty.

3. I will never regret spoiling those that I love. And making time for them. And letting them know how much they mean to me. I FEEL RIGHTEOUSLY SUSTAINED BY THE KNOWLEDGE THAT PHAT NEVER WENT WITHOUT A PIECE OF PEOPLE FOOD THAT HE ASKED FOR.

4. A lesson in moving on from The Last Lecture guy. This sums it up for me...

Krishnamurti, a spiritual leader in India who died in 1986. Krishnamurti was once asked what was the most appropriate way to say goodbye to a man who was about to die. He answered: "Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone."


I think Phat would really like that.