A House In Order

And all's right with the world. We've been traveling, hosting, organizing, constructing, and running around like crazy for the past 6 weeks, and now, we finally have a Saturday at home. Alone. With only work and errands to do. Remember what it feels like to lay around a clean house and do nothing? Well, I don’t. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................nirvana.

It's been a pretty exciting 2 weeks - 2 engagements (congrats!), a new baby (Welcome Nathan Krafty!), a vacation to see the Smichaels and Henry, a fender bender (boo!), many, many trips to Beantown, seeing friends for the first time in years, and in the middle of it all, Spring came to New York. It's gur-juss, and finally warm. Los gatos and I are thoroughly enjoying the 1 window that I can safely open and all the bugs, access to birds, and fresh air it provides. Which is not to say that today started out well. Grumpy woke me up with his usual hallelujah chorus, and by the time Dr. Boy fed him, I was ready to MURDER them both. And, as a door prize, I got a headache for the entire day.

Into the kitchen I went to prep for the cleaning lady (LOVE HER, and don’t judge me, we have 4 cats), when I made a startling discovery. I was loading the dishwasher, because letting her do it means I’ll never find the measuring cup I need again. Ever. When I got to the stove, I looked up under the hood (who knows why? It was early, and my coffee hadn’t kicked in), and realized that we have filters that needed cleaning.

Here’s what’s surprising in that last sentence.

1. We have filters.

2. They have never been cleaned.

It's not like I haven't looked under there before. I just normally don't lean WAY OVER and stare up where, it turns out, there are directions for removing and cleaning your filters.

If you’re a habitual renter, you may have the same fear that I do: a new person will move into your house, find some disgusting mess that you didn’t know about, and be TOTALLY GROSSED OUT by what a big pig you were. Why do I worry about this? Because I’m always the one getting grossed out. I once found beer bottle caps in my stove from a previous tenant. And, I told everyone, and I’m still talking about it 5 years later. 5 YEARS. Plus, in this building, there’s a good chance that the new tenant will be a colleague of Dr. Boy’s. We’ll run into them at conferences and dinearounds, and they’ll think, “There’s that disgusting fucking pig of a girl. She never cleaned her filters.”

Earth Day was this week, and celebrities were on Oprah extolling the virtues of vinegar as a cleaner. It’s never really worked for me, but I thought I’d give it a try on the grease on the hood of my stove. And, I’ll be good goddamned if it didn’t get off spots that have been there for years. I was horrified. I started scrubbing everything in the kitchen. Cabinets, microwave, filters. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!! These spots can be cleaned! They’ve defeated every caustic cleaner that I could think of, and here I was with vinegar and a paper towel, taking them down. Some new tenant would surely be grossed out by my obvious laziness at leaving them if all it took was vinegar. Scrub, scrub, fuck, fuck, scrub. And repeat. In my pajamas and dish scrubbing gloves. I didn’t eat. I didn’t stop to shower. Scrub, scrub, fuck, fuck, scrub. Then, I looked up.

My kitchen has this vent. It’s connected to the building’s filtration system, and I have no control over it. I hate the fucking thing. It carries the sound of our conversations to our neighbors, it sounds like a goddamned hurricane to stand under it, and I can’t shut it off. But the worst part is how it sucks up everything. Every fucking thing. Cat hair, dust, cooking grease… and it builds up this layer of disgustingness that just revolts me. Imagine long cat hair saturated in engine grease with Somerville Soot in it for good measure, COATING something in your kitchen. I have pulled it down to scrub it so many times that the paint is peeling off it. And, it’s still never clean.

TIL NOW. I am a vinegar-slinging, grease scrubbing fucking NINJA of cleanliness. I mean, it’s still not CLEAN, but it’s a lot fucking better. Thank you, vinegar! BTW, the next time you’re here, you’ll now be tempted to look at this vent, my greatest shame. Please, do it when I'm not looking, and understand that I am doing my best to keep it from being a health code violation.

Peace at last. I can enjoy my Saturday knowing that my vent is the color it’s supposed to be. :D