Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders

I had an appointment with Da Kittehs at PDP's, so I was out and about at a reasonable hour. Time to do some back-to-school shopping.

NYC is dotted with little old lady brassiere shops. I went to one before the wedding to find a bra to wear under my dress. This is not a fancy place. It's not very big, and you don't really browse. There are a few racks of lingerie, but they discourage you from browsing, because you don't know what you're doing. Seriously. You really don't. Think you know your bras size? WRONG.

You walk in and a consultant follows you into a dressing room. She asks to you strip, then turns you around a few times, feels you up a bit, and talks to you about what kind of bra you want and why. While you're topless. Then she leaves to go collect bras for you. She holds them out so that you can slip into each one, then straps you in, and yanks your hooters around until she's happy with where they are. Then you get to look, and she tells you whether it fits or not.

Sounds horrific, right? TOTALLY not my idea of a good time. I hate being naked in front of doctors or at the gym. Stripping and chatting while another woman moves my boobs around is pretty much torture. The first time, she shot me a look of pure disgust and asked me what size bra I was wearing, because it DID NOT fit me. Turns out, my band size was 3 sizes too big, and my cup size 3 sizes too small.

Dr. Boy is very careful not to weigh in on my clothes or my weight too strongly. I kept wearing my new bra, and he kept asking whether I'd go back to the store, how much the bra cost... and I finally remarked that while it felt better, I didn't see a difference. My sweet husband, who has NEVER cared for underwear, let his wholehearted approval of the crazy bra lady come through. Apparently, she's right. No bra had fit me properly in years. In my fancy bras, I have 2 boobs. Positioned where they should be. With no wiggling. They make my clothes look better.

Huh.

So, I went back. And dropped a chunk of change. I no longer own a Victoria's Secret bra. In fact, I now have 5 functional bras, 2 pretty bras, a sports bra, extenders, various undergarments and new Spanx. Think you know what size Spanx you wear? WHY DO YOU ARGUE WITH HER? SHE'S AN EXPERT AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS! Apparently, my ass is easier to size when you have a clear view of it.

So, my boobs have been upgraded from big to bazongas, and I've been given strict instructions on how to wear my bras, how often to wear them, how to wash them, how NOT to wash them, which soap to use, how to put them on, and how long I can keep them.

I can't recommend Town Shop highly enough. I marched all over the Upper West Side running errands with a bag that screams, "I JUST HAD MY TA-TAS ADJUSTED. ASK ME HOW!"